Life is a bit of a sigh right now. Two people I know have committed suicide. I didn’t know either of them well, merely only met them; had lunch with the one and the other came to minister at our church. These are two entirely different events. There is no connection between these two people. Both of them woman. One Christian, one not. Their deaths unsettled me.
I am not unfamiliar with death and sudden loss. Or loss of an enormous magnitude. The result of a loved one dying in my life had left me shattered. An unsettling truth tries to settle and for the longest time you just feel hollow. I wanted to rebel against the truth and wished I could call them liars. She is not dead and it is a lie. But deep inside the truth lurks. It just lies there; waiting for you to acknowledge it.
Death is a concept that can be understood in a moment, but it takes a lifetime to interpret. The news of my mum’s death was understandable, yet indigestible. A year-and-a-half later and my heart is still trying to make sense of it. Most of the time, I try not to think of her, I try not to remember her, try not to look at pictures of her – it’s too true how much I miss her. I cannot afford to think of her – my heart needs a break from this truth. It’s like a room in the house of my life. I walk past the room and don’t enter it. The room is there; it’s part of my house, I know the room; but I cannot go in there again.
My mum died in a car accident. It’s the truth. No one chose it. It’s still not my choice. Yet I trust Him. I don’t really have a choice in that either. He is the truth. If you know the truth you cannot deny it.
So it occurred to me recently, that life is tricky. Whether you are a Christian or not, life is tricky. When you’ve accepted Jesus as your Saviour, you have a peace that is indescribable (the saying is true – His peace surpasses knowledge). But life is still tricky. In fact, I sometimes think it becomes more tricky. Partly because you cannot go back to your old ways of dealing with things; ignorance is no longer bliss; it becomes conviction. When life gets upsetting now, you cannot run anymore, you cannot hide. That was the old way. The new way is to endure. Persevere. Hope. Trust. All these are active things – verbs. You do them by choice. It’s called faith.
And yet, I know what it’s like, and this coming from a believer (follower of Jesus), to not want to live anymore. For life and the length of its days to seem too overwhelming. To long for heaven more than to desire life. Call it depression, call it mourning – whatever, I don’t know. But there came a point for me some time in the last 18 months when I realised that life is precious; it is costly, sacred and good. It was a revelation. I saw that life is a gift and I should make the best of it while I have it and not long for it to end. I will be judged by the way I live it. My desire changed. I wanted my life to count, to be pleasing to God – I wanted Him to delight in the picture of my life.
But life is still tricky. So I started telling myself the truth. Jesus loves me. He cares. For real. He is not a phony. He is not a fake. He will not disappoint me. He is faithful when I am faithless for He cannot deny Himself and He cannot lie. He loves me for real. He bled and died so that I could be reconciled to the Father. The reason why He thought it worth it to give His life for this is because He knows the Father and is loved by the Father and wants us to have unity with the Father the way He has. I don’t fully understand this love and don’t think it can be calculated. But it draws me. If the God of the universe thought it proper to give His life for this, I think we should drop everything else and pursue this thing.
All this and more made me realise that He is trustworthy. Which means I can put my trust in Him. He is worthy of it. More than my trust, He is worthy of everything else too. My heart, my thoughts, my anxiety, my life. Also because He designed me – that makes me help knowing that He knows me well, better than I know me, and He knows what’s best for me, and seeing that He loves me for real and cares for real I find that He is worthy of my trust. And when I think about all these things I start realising that I should be really grateful. Even when life is tricky. And when I think about what He’s done for me I realise that it’s worth it to persevere.
So life is tricky. But there is wisdom. The wise thing to do is to follow Jesus. I mean follow Him well. Walk in a way worthy of the call on your life. The good thing is that Jesus knows the way. Life is tricky but Jesus knows the way. The only thing I have to do is follow Him. Because the road is so tricky though, I practically have to make a study of Him – place my foot exactly where he placed His. For that I have to stick real close to Him. Got to be right behind him, can’t veer to the left or to the right, don’t look back and don’t get distracted – just look straight ahead at where He last placed His foot so that I can do exactly the same. Cause this life is tricky and the road is narrow and it’s easy to fall. No one, NO ONE is beyond falling.
I’m not going to make any judgments on the ladies who ended their lives. One knew Jesus, the other didn’t. Even of that I can’t be sure – only the Lord knows and searches the heart. I’m sad though that they chose to end it and that they are gone. It’s true, life is tricky and complicated and hard. But there is a way – it’s through Jesus – He is the way and He leads me to life everlasting.
We must help each other to see this. Sometimes we need help.
Life is precious. Choose it.
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