The unbearable lightness of being

The truth is that I’m actually quite a good sleeper.  A pleasant sleeper really.  Usually I just lie there quietly on my bed, not being a nuisance to anyone;  minding my own rest.  I’m the kind that will go back to sleep rather easily after being woken by something/someone.  I don’t get upset with the amplified bellowing of strangers on my street, coming home from Rafiki’s.  I’m a peaceful sleeper.  Sleep and let sleep, that sort of thing.

This is true, yes, but, sadly, not of late.  There are these nights, random nights, that I just don’t sleep.  That trigger that switches you off; and you have that funny kick and you think weird thoughts, dreamy snapshots… That trigger – mine is broken.  I’ll just lie there;  awake.  Totally alert, mind racing, singing songs, thinking thoughts, planning life…  And it’s funny, I’m pretty sure that I have all these amazing, brilliant, breakthrough-like thoughts;  but I can’t be sure, because I go into overdrive and everything I think seems like a brilliant idea and totally original and the thoughts come flying at three hits per second.  But I have a sneaky suspicion that it’s not so brilliant.  But it may be… I must try and write them down… Anyway, the point is that I can’t get my brain to power down. 

So I discussed this with my flatmate last night, trying to think of reasons why this is so and more importantly, how to make it stop.  Turns out there could be many reasons for my insomnia.  Have been very active lately and lots of life stuff going on which can easily keep the mind occupied for longer hours, too much to think about.  Also, she said, I must try and avoid excitement.  Avoid excitement?  Yah, we scratched that one off the list.  I mean, who wants to live like that?  Imagine my evening plans from here on out – what to do that’s not too exciting – watch paint dry… stare at the doorknob… try nail jelly to a tree…

Anyway, I think I know what’s wrong though.  And we discussed it.  Her being an occupational therapist made things a little bit more official, you know, from a professional medical opinion.  So the reason why I’m not sleeping well is because I am touch deprived.  Been doing all these activities – hiking, tennis, gym, swimming, running…  It’s been great and I feel healthy and stuff, but the reality is that I’m having to push my person to reach these physical goals and stretch its mental capacity to go further, faster etc. etc.  I’m being kind of harsh towards my person these days.  I mean I do reward it, most of the time I eat yummy food, healthy stuff that I crave, and if I want a coke I won’t withhold it from my person and generally I’m quite nice to me.  But the one thing I can’t do – I think I need a hug.  Like a bear hug.  I think I’m actually craving it. 

So my flatmate confirmed it.  She says that often with kids – ok her clients are all kids but I think it still works – when they can’t sleep, they need something called “deep pressure”.  This could be like a massage, or even just a hug, a bear hug.  Sometimes they just need a bit of weight on them – like their muscles need it.  And I reckon it’s the same reason why I’m not sleeping.  And I have been craving a hug, like I need someone to hug me so that my back cracks and stuff.  At least once a day.  I’m totally touch deprived it seems.

Makes sense you know – I have these three advocate bosses, no hugs there;  my flatmate and I, we don’t get up in the morning and hug and stuff – awkward…  At the church it’s side hugs… – where am I supposed to get my bear hug fix from??? 

But we came up with some sort of a solution – see, the lightness of being truly is unbearable sometimes.  We need to weigh it down.  Literally.  So we figured we need to put some weight on me while I sleep.  Apparently you get these blankets that you fill with sand or beans or something, so they are nice and heavy.  But of course I don’t have one, so I had to find something else.  Ended up using my two continental pillows that is quite heavy.  So I slept like that last night – with these piles of pillows on me – two continental ones, two normal ones, and another more decorative one at the top – was like this pillow pyramid vibe.  Wish I had a photo of it, must have looked kind of funny.  But it totally worked!  I slept all through the night.

So now I’m wondering, if life gets more exciting, must the weight get heavier too?  Like maybe I can put the fridge on me or something??  Maybe next time you see me, give me a seriously proper bear hug, just in case…