Decadent wickedness

I am a sinful being. 

For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. Romans 7:15-20

The particular evil in question today is otherwise known as chocolate. If you are a guy, you can probably stop reading here as it is unlikely that you will relate to my pain. See, for a woman, our days here on earth can be divided into two broad categories:

(1) days we eat chocolate; and 

(2) days we think about eating chocolate. 

However, my insight on the matter may be phrased as surpassing excellence or genius. You may be familiar with my two-day rule? I’m allowed to eat chocolate, but not two days in a row. See, it’s a brilliant theory; chocolate is highly addictive, and if you don’t put boundaries down, soon you will find that you are a so-called "chocoholic". So here’s what I’m really saying – by only eating chocolate every second day, I’m skipping that crucial day that so sneakily becomes the trigger for addiction. Let me explain – if I eat chocolate at 2pm in the afternoon on any given day, the very next day, at 2pm, I will crave chocolate again. The body is just programmed like that. The flesh truly is weak. To then avoid the temptation is extremely difficult, but highly effective to balance the score. By the third day, my flesh has already forgotten how wickedly good chocolate tastes, so then it’s safe to have another bite. Brilliant, yes?

So here are my thoughts, and confessions. Confessions first. Today I cheated on my two-day rule. There you have it. It’s out there now. In the light. No more shame and condemnation. Wonderful. I feel so free. Now here’s how I recommend you eat your chocolate on the day that you are allowing yourself to do so: 

Find your wallet. Extract a tenner. Put the tenner in a pocket. If you don’t have a pocket, put it in your shoe. If you’re wearing sandals, tie it in your hair, whatever; just make a plan, but don’t take your bag with you. Both hands must be free for the full benefit of this terrific exercise. For best results I recommend that you do this when you get a break at the office. On a work day. So then, leave the office. Walk towards a shop that will sell chocolate. Walk at least two or three blocks to reach this shop; if there’s a shop that’s closer, pass it. Work up a craving while you’re walking. Allow saliva to drip from the corner of your mouth. Enter shop. Select a slab. Ignore the bars, slabs only. Do the barter. Don’t ask for a bag. Exit shop. Stop. Stand in the middle of the pavement. Allow pedestrians to collide in an effort to pass you. Open slab in full view of the public. Break off four blocks. Pause. Take a moment to smell the aroma of buttery, smooth, creamy, milky, rich, silky chocolate. Wipe off dribble. Take the first bite. Don’t rush this step. Be still for a moment. Switch off from traffic noises. Close your eyes. Allow the silkiness to wrap around your taste buds. Allow your body to get a little shiver. Breath deeply. Be a little sleepy. When you feel rested, leisurely stroll back to the office. Continue to eat chocolate in full view of the public. Do not hide your slab. Allow yourself to take big bites so that your mouth is too full to talk. When you reach the office, hide your slab lest it be snatched away by unashamed colleagues. Go to your desk. Retrieve slab. Eat until you are satisfied. If any chocolate leftover, discard or give away so not to be tempted the next day. Repeat entire process in two days’ time.

Final step... uhm well... don’t know actually; don’t care either... got to rush off to the shops now with my tenner...!

See ya!! xx